It was a Gulliver’s Travel moment on the sidewalk in front of The Stray Bar in Bernal Heights the end of January, at Bay Woof’s final voting party for its Beast of the Bay Awards.
A black-and-white Guernsey-spotted (and -sized) Great Dane was lying on his back, ham hock paws sticking up, helpless with happiness as a two-pound French Bulldog pup attacked his giant nose and ears mercilessly with Lilliputian snips and snarls. The Dane was perhaps thinking of Gene Hill’s observation: “Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot about puppies.”
Inside the bar, there were many more such mirthful moments as people and pooches delighted in one another, laughing, singing, eating, and drinking to the health of the city’s canine community — a diverse tribe of Mutts and Jeffs well aware that widely varying appearances can be deceiving. Shaggy or hairless, supersized or miniaturized, pedigreed or potpourried, we dog people comprise a singular breed.
I got to MC the event, playing a few tunes on my guitar, telling some dog jokes, and giving away cool raffle prizes. We even had a cute dog trick contest, but the single contestant, sadly, was undone by performance anxiety. Reminded me of a joke about the time God decided to have a dog show in heaven and called the devil to ask if he could send some worthy participants from his realms. Satan replied, “Why are you calling me? You’ve got all the dogs up there.” And God answered, “Yes, but you’ve got all the judges down there.”In a sense, of course, our contestant pulled off the ultimate cute dog trick — being cute without doing anything.
There’s a farm in Eastern Canada that regularly performs weddings for pets. No pre-emptive and prehistoric propositions have been passed to ban such unions there yet. Apparently the wedding guests generally include other farm residents such as pigs, goats, and geese (maybe even Mother Goose herself, at least in spirit). Considering how much people appreciate a well-trained pooch, the out-of-fashion vow “to honor and obey” might enjoy a resurgence at such weddings.
Frankly, I’m inclined to agree with the ban on doggie weddings decreed by the Indian government a few years ago. Forcing animals to behave like humans is, well, kind of inhumane… and yet all too human at the same time.
As further warning against treating your dog like a person, I submit a limerick in honor of St. Patrick’s Days past and future: Sean Flynn poured his dog black and tans/Until the poor beast couldn’t stand/But the setter felt better/And had his vendetta/With a nip of the hair of the man.
In Richmond the other day, I saw a squirrel get chased into the street by a Yorkshire Terrier. Suddenly, the squirrel stopped dead in its tracks as if thinking, “Wait a minute – I’m running away from a Yorkie! I’ll be the laughingstock of the entire neighborhood!” The Yorkie, seeing this wild beastie suddenly flushed with renewed gumption, also came to a screeching halt. Apparently the dog’s sense of proportion kicked in and he realized the squirrel only weighed about 8 ounces less than he did. The dog turned on a dime and went hightailing it in the other direction (can you hightail it with said appendage tucked firmly between your legs?). I swear, with dogs around, who needs the Cartoon Channel?
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