Strolling along Marina Green in San Francisco, watching the kite races and touch football games one sunny November Sunday, we spied a man pedaling a bike with one of those kiddy carts attached to the back — only, this being San Francisco, the cart was sans kid and carried a big black dog instead. The dog was barking up a storm, as if chiding the man for being a lazy rickshaw boy. Or maybe, in light of the impending season, he was playing Santa, shouting his version of “On dancer, on Prancer…”
As my friend’s Bloodhound might say, “‘tis the season to be jowly.” And so… a few fractured Christmas carols to set the Yule log of your brain on fire. The first is from the Herb Canine Treasury of Butchered Ballads from days of yore — a kind of visitation from the Ghost of Christmas Past, as it were. (Ghosts and Christmas may seem a bit incongruous until one remembers that the Christmas displays in the stores often go up the day after Halloween. If it were up to the Chamber of Commerce, the trick-or-treaters would have to sing a few carols before they got their candy)
To be sung to the tune of The Christmas Song (with apologies to Mel Torme).
The Doggie Christmas Song
Chow chows wrestling by an open fire,
Black lab licking at your nose,
Carols yowled by an all-beagle choir,
And sled dogs pulled by Eskimos.
Every doggie knows that turkey dinner table scraps
Help to make the season bright,
With master’s bed free for long winter naps.
Because the parties last all night.
They know the mailman’s on the way,
He’ll leave a bag of goodies (once he’s chased away),
And every bitch’s pup will join the race
To chew those socks that dangle from the fireplace.
And so I’m offering this simple phrase
Of dogs (and Allan Ginsberg too):
Although it’s been said many times, many ways,
Happy Howl-i-days to you.
And now here’s a new one. I know you know the tune.
Walking in a Doggie Wonderland
Something died. Are you whiffin’?
In the land something’s stiffenin’.
Let’s roll in it, mate, until we smell great,
Walking in a Doggie Wonderland.
Chase some birds. Take a few naps.
Dump some cans full of old scraps.
We’ll dig a few holes and munch a few moles,
Walking in a Doggie Wonderland.
Running through the puddles getting’ dirty,
Lick each other seeing where it goes
Stick together gettin’ fun ‘n’ flirty
Until somebody squirts us with the hose.
Later on, if you love me,
We’ll mark our names on a big tree.
As quick as a wink — invisible ink,
Walking in a Doggie Wonderland.
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