On November 5, while enjoying blackened catfish at a hole-in-the-wall on Valencia Street called The Weird Fish (of course Herb Canine would never order dogfish), I recalled the soothing tones of Barack Oh-Balm-Us voice delivering his victory speech the night before. How sweet it was. And I remembered the promise he’d made to his daughters, that at last they’d be getting a puppy.
Canine companions, after all, are as essential to the presidency as Chiefs-of-Staff – and if Obama’s choice for the latter post is any indication of his pooch preferences, the girls will be getting a bulldog.
Countless people have emailed their suggestions for presidential dog names to MSNBC — “Abrahound Lincoln” and “Bark Obama” among them. You probably won’t be surprised to know that I have some ideas of my own on the subject.
Now I realize the girls want a Doodle, a cross between a Poodle and some other purebred dog, but there are so many other breeds with greater naming potential. The first family could, for example, get themselves a “Komondor-in-Chief.” And I’m sure you’ll agree that “Uncle Samoyed” strikes an exceptionally patriotic note.
What if Sarah Palin or the Christian Right offered an olive branch in the form of a lap dog? The girls could call him “Lipstick Ana Pug” or “Helen Dalmatian.” Of course most Democrats would agree that if Joe (“the plumber-lover”) Lieberman were to offer the canine equivalent of a white flag, the only appropriate choice would be a “rat” terrier (no disrespect intended to those smart and perky pooches).
If Republican Congressman Roy Blunt tried to make nice with the majority party by sending over one of those skinny little greyhound look-alikes, it would surely be nicknamed The Minority Whippet.
Furthermore – sorry, I just can’t help myself – if the banking industry were astute enough to offer some sort of “rescue dog” in gratitude for the 700-billion-dollar “rescue package” it recently received, the Obama family could call it Bear Dog Stearns. No doubt lobbyists for Immigration Reform would try to cur-ry favor by offering a Border Collie.
Maybe the McCain campaign, still claiming that Obama reneged on his “promise” to stick with public campaign financing, would send him a Welsh Terrier – or perhaps another kind of terrier, named (with a wink and a nod) “Bill Ayresdale.”
Come to think of it, maybe the new president should steer clear of such dogs and their aficionados. He wouldn’t want to be accused of consorting with terrier-ists.
By the way, there is no truth to the rumor spread by David Letterman that the dog finally chosen by Obama must be confirmed by the Senate (or the AKC).
And finally, you’ve probably seen the clip of Barney, one of President Bush’s Scotties, nipping a reporter. Even the lowliest cur in the current White House knows how to appeal to the base. When in doubt, snap at the press. Apparently the reporter in question didn’t have the training that the journalists from Fox News have. Now they know how to work with those testy Bushes (hint: lots of soft balls and reassuring strokes).
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