It was a rainy night in Albany and I was boosting my immune system with a visit to my acupuncturist. On the way out I spied a New Yorker Dog cartoon on her bulletin board.
It depicted a dog, several porcupine quills sticking out of his muzzle, addressing his assailant calmly: “On the plus-side, you’ve cured my back pain.” I don’t know if acupuncture or laughter is the best medicine, but my impending cold was averted.
One reason we like to commune with our doggies so much is because they distract us from the idiosyncratic concerns of an eccentric world. But what could be gained if we didn’t block out issues of vital interest to other humans? Is it possible that when we ignore the fact that January is National Clown Month or that February is National Return Shopping Carts to the Supermarket Month, we are depriving ourselves of some subtle but profound cultural experience?
Come on! Be a sport! Grab your dog, slap on a fright wig and track down a few errant Lucky’s carts! That’s the spirit!
Let’s say that it’s a certain Saturday. You’re sprawled on the couch, watching your tenth football game of the week, when your dog begs you to take him for a walk. You are thus awakened to his (and your own) need to shake a leg once in awhile, and glad to be reminded that January 2nd is Personal Trainer Awareness Day. Dig out that old track suit and mojo! Your team is only going to break your heart anyway, so get over them and into the real game just outside your door.
Later, when you let your personal trainer off the leash and he disappears without a trace into the woods for an hour or so to chase squirrels, relax. Give him some slack. January 18-22 is Hunt for Happiness Week. Feel its power! The dog hunts for squirrels. You hunt for the dog. It works on so many levels.
In February, when your dog sticks his head out the window of the car and barks menacingly at other commuters, don’t worry. It’s National Aggressive Driving Month. And when your boss comes over for dinner and Fido won’t stop humping his leg, you can laugh it off by mentioning that it’s National Creative Romance Month. No worries.
Remember. When it comes to dogs, every month is National “It Was Meant To Be” Month.
I’ve been surfing the web for late-breaking dog jokes and thought I’d share some results of my research. I’m not saying they’re going to win the Mark Twain prize or anything, but they could come in handy when chatting up perfect strangers at the dog park.
What do you get when you cross a Great Pyrenees with a Dachshund? A most puzzling breed, in fact, a Pyre-Dachs.
What happened when the dog went to the flea circus? He stole the show.
Why did the cowboy adopt a Dachsund? He wanted to get a long little doggie.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and growls: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
Stop me if you’ve heard this one:
A chemist was taking his young son and his dog for a walk when the latter stopped to intently sniff a fire hydrant. The boy, taking note, asked, “What’s in that thing, Daddy?”
His father replied, “H20.”
The son, doubting that mere water could trigger the dog’s single-minded fascination, then asked, “So… what’s on the outside?”
Thinking it best to stick with the scientific vernacular, the father answered, “K9P.”
May you begin this uncertain New Year, dear reader, with the unwavering determination of a Bulldog and the confident demeanor of a Shih Tzu… Peace.
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