I read an item recently that is probably causing a firestorm of controversy among our four-legged friends. I imagine the dialogue going something like this.
Dog: So, mackerel–breath, have you heard? New research by Oxford University says that the more social animals have larger brains than the less social animals. Finally, proof positive that canines are smarter than felines.
Cat: Oh, I see, Growly Jowls. I don’t glad-hand every biped that asks me to shake, so I’m the dumb one. The higher species prefer the contemplative life, dontcha know. IMO, when it comes to social networks, the bigger the twitterer the bigger the twit.
Dog: Retract the claws, Scratchy. I’m just sayin’: The more any creature interacts, the better wired the old noodle becomes. Dogs demand more interaction and so we reap the bennies. It’s obvious: just look at all the things we can do.
Cat: Oh, you’re so accomplished! You can dig up flowers and chase your tail and everything. Have you ever considered that it’s what you don’t do that defines your intelligence? Ever heard of “working smarter, not harder”? I get three squares and the same health plan you get without breaking a sweat.
Dog: Sorry, but I don’t see how sleeping 80% of your life away is the smart choice. I hang out with the brainiacs and that’s why I have a bigger brain. It’s as simple as that.
Cat: Ha! Humans are the most social animals on the planet, so they should be the smartest, right? Yet studies suggest that their brains are actually shrinking evolutionarily. My last word about that research you’re so fond of quoting? Consider the source.
You may recall a mention of my friend Bernard in an earlier column. He’s the one who believes that humans get along so well with dogs (and are dog-like in so many ways) because all humans were canines in recent incarnations. Perhaps that’s why he called his cheating Russian ex-girlfriend “The Siberian Hussy.”
You won’t be surprised to learn that my eccentric friend is a bit of a fan boy. He loves pop sci-fi of all kinds and has named his dogs after some of his favorite characters. His mutt Sharon is named after a Cylon — a robot at war with humans from the TV series “Battlestar Gallactica.” The Sharon character is a humanoid machine so indistinguishable from a person that she doesn’t even know she’s a Cylon, though she occasionally has her doubts. She dutifully serves her human superior officers, killing other Cylons willy nilly, until one day her sub-routines kick in and she mindlessly pumps a couple of rounds into her commander’s chest.
Similarly, Sharon the dog has no idea she’s not human. She sleeps on the bed with her fan boy and used to skateboard with him when she was younger. But every time she’s put in the backyard for tearing up a pillow or eating the cat’s food, she has got to suspect the worst— that perhaps she isn’t really Bernard’s girl friend but rather some kind of alien species secretly programmed for random acts of sabotage.
Bernard also has a Boxer called Tiberius, the middle name of Cpt. James T. Kirk. Like the enterprising captain, Tiberius likes a good fight as much as he does a good “frak” (again I refer you to Battlestar Gallactica nomenclature). When Tiberius isn’t causing a row in the dog park, he likes to play the field, so to speak — in the proud tradition of the Star Trek captains who encourage their crews to “engage” while never quite getting engaged themselves.
‘Tis the month to tip a glass in honor of Saint Patrick and (what’s that Gaelic saying?) to “err and go braless.” We hope you’ll tip a glass with us on March 19 at El Rio in the Mission. That’s the slated date for Bay Woof’s Beast of the Bay Awards party, though we’re going Cajon, not Celtic, this year.
‘Tis also the month this column always ends with a little “Donegal Doggerel.” Please don’t tear me limb-from-limerick if it doesn’t amuse.
When the barmaid said, “Time to close down, Sirs”
They roared, “A fresh round of 12-ouncers!”
So she fed her dog, Savage,
Some corned beef and cabbage
And soon cleared the room sans a bouncer.
Herb Canine is one of writer/musician Tad Toomay’s many alter egos. Get acquainted with the others at www.tadtoomay.com.
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