Dear reader: By the time you read this, Earth Day (April 22) will be a distant memory. It was just ahead as I wrote this, however, as shall become evident.
We were coming out of The Academy of Sciences History Museum, one of the most eco- friendly buildings in the world, when, appropriately, we crossed paths with the ultimate green limousine, of a sort — one of those tourist rental surreys being pedaled through the park by two ladies and their daughters. Sitting pertly front and center, like a living hood ornament, was their sleek bronze-hued Chihuahua — the only one not working up a sweat. (If the family dog was a St. Bernard, would they have rented an ozone-eating van?)
This got me to thinking, “Are Chihuahuas greener than St. Bernards?” For that matter, are dogs green at all? I decided that, as the ever popular “replacement kid” for those who want the warm and fuzzy feel of a large family without the monstrous carbon footprint, a dog is quite green, comparatively.
Now it’s not like I prefer dogs to kids. I love kids. After all, it was our beloved young nieces who accompanied us to the Academy of Sciences that day. It’s just that I don’t like overpopulation and the global starvation, unemployment, oil wars, water wars, and territorial wars that go with it. To put it bluntly, if we really love kids, we should quit having them in such abundant numbers that we must send some of them off to die in wars so the rest can horde what dwindling resources are left. If we really want to “Make love, not war” we have to “Make love, not more.”
Of course, it’s true that dogs love meat, and since meat production accounts for 20% of global warming, how green can canines really be? They’re as green as their owners care to make them, I suppose.
You’re free to feed your dog raw flesh if you like, but there are plenty of healthy and happy vegetarian dogs. I’ve know more than a few who lived to a ripe old age without being stricken with dread diseases. I once knew a poodle mix that loved tofu. Since you are what you eat, would that make him a tofoodle?
Keep in mind that dogs will eat practically anything with gusto. If you doubt it, I have one word for you— coprofilia. (For those who have to look that word up, here’s a hint: It’s not the uncontrollable urge to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” every Christmas Eve.)
If you can’t bear to deprive your dog of his daily slab, maybe you could sacrifice some of your ration for his sake. You don’t have to go “hole hog”. You’ve heard of lacto-vegetarians. I’m the next tier down — a lax so-so vegetarian. Those times when I just gotta have some savory to make my meal more flavory, I have grilled fish. Because these days, I am inclined to follow the edict of Bart Simpson, namely: “Don’t have a cow!”
If you do decide to make this positive lifestyle change for the benefit of Mother Earth, you don’t have to get all braggadocio about your sacrifice, like that tofu lover who got her license plate banned in Minnesota. (It read “ILUVTOFU” and I guess the authorities misconstrued the message.)
One of my favorite Saturday Night Live shticks was the “ad” hocking a new tranquilizer for over-active dogs called “Doggie Downers.” If you happen to live with a Border Collie or classic Terrier, you may think this a fine idea, but it turns out we don’t need to administer drugs to our dogs to bring them down. We do it without drugs all too often, quite unintentionally.
A recent study determined that Mexican dogs are happier than U.S. dogs because the owners of U.S. dogs are more stressed out, which apparently creates a giant contact buzz-kill for our Poochitos. So do your pet a favor, America. Get some therapy.
Even better, when in doubt, just choose happiness, like your dog does. She’s not saying, “Bow wow”– she’s saying “Now! Now!” Think about it: who would have a greater appreciation of the present moment than a being with one-seventh the lifespan we humans are likely to enjoy?
Feels good to know that relishing the moment for no particular reason is not simple self-indulgence. In fact, it’s highly cost-effective pet care.
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