Dog Humorist Extraordinaire

I was hiking through Golden Gate Park the other day when I heard a guy calling to his Irish Setter pup, whose name was Sparkler.

I couldn’t help but think of an old Irish Setter I once knew who did little more than take up space on the back porch in his later years. Sparkler would be the last thing I would call him. I wondered if this guy in the park would eventually become one of the purported 20% of dog owners who wish they’d named their dogs something else. And so I started ruminating about rules of thumb for naming dogs. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Be careful about naming your dog something that seems spot-on today but may sound like cold-hearted sarcasm tomorrow. Akin to the previously mentioned case, the name “Cruiser” might seem a bit ironic for a senior dog who has become little more than a friendly hearthrug. Of course, since he will probably also be hard of hearing by then, you could probably get away with calling him “Snoozer” instead without triggering an identity crisis. 
2. Avoid names that are derogatory. Why? Imagine yourself at the front door  a decade from now, after you’ve matured a bit, repeatedly shouting for your Mastiff Dork Wad while your wife is shouting for your Dachshund Turd Bag at the back door. Next thing you know there are two squad cars in the driveway, come to investigate a domestic abuse complaint. Better to name your dogs Snooky Face and Cuddle Fish and prevent such scenarios.
3. Think twice about names that even rhyme with uncouth words. Just because St. Bernards were first bred by alpine monks doesn’t mean you should name yours “Brother Tuck.” Once the local adolescents discover the potential humor in his moniker, your pooch’s storied origins will be forever lost amidst a flurry of punch lines straight out of Hustler Magazine. And don’t forget: boys think repetition ad infinitum, not brevity, is the soul of wit. 
4. Let your dog’s appearance and/or personality inspire his name. If your dog has a lot of personality but is not much to look at, Blind Date might be a candidate. A dog that likes to filch your feline’s food could be called Rip or Rob or, assuming he’s been fixed, Bob. A Poodleas hyper as a Peet’s barista could go by the name of “French Roast.” (When he nabs the sashimi-grade albacore off the kitchen counter while you’re letting in the dinner guests, his name might become “French Toast.”) 
5. Don’t name a dog something that sounds like a command. A dog named Fletch might think you’re calling his name when you’re really trying to get him to return the ball you just threw. A dog named Stacy won’t know if she should come or stay put when you call her by name. A friend of mine claims he knows an Indian guy with a dog named Sits, Shakes, and Rolls Over with Wolves. (Apparently the dog is hopelessly untrainable.)
6. Keep the name short. This makes training easier, for one thing. You want the dog to be processing the lesson, not the convoluted syllables of his own name. I suspect this applies to humans as well. If I had a name like Mahmoud Amadinejad or Rod Blagojevich, I too might have missed a few key steps in my development. Another reason to keep it simple is that you’re going to be saying your dog’s name a lot, and most long names quickly get shortened into nicknames anyway. You may initially relish the mellifluous tones of Alouicious and Beelzebub, but I bet you end up calling the so-named canines Al and Bubba by the end of their first obedience class.

Herb Canine is one of writer/musician Tad Toomay’s many alter egos. Get acquainted with the others at www.tadtoomay.com.

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