Popping into a small market in Point Richmond the other day, I had to smile when I noticed that the gumball machine near the cash register was full of doggie treats.
We know that dogs are rapidly replacing kids as the mini-companions of choice for San Franciscans, but commerce seems to be embracing the trend in the darnedest of places. For instance, there’s a casino south of Redding that advertises free doggie daycare while you gamble (which puts a whole new spin on the phrase “leaving your marker”). No mention of childcare.
Speaking of childcare, you never want to lose track of your kids in Oregon. There’s a coffeehouse in Ashland where the sign at the bar reads, “Unattended children will be given an espresso and a free puppy.” Elizabethan justice is apparently alive and well. (Too much Richard III.)
People are always trying to show how smart their pets are by teaching them to act like, well… people. Great. All this world needs is a few more monkeys smoking cigars and hamsters running themselves ragged on little treadmills. How smart is that?
There’s a popular bumper sticker that says, “Your honor student isn’t as smart as my dog.” Considering his comments in a recent issue of Modern Dog, spiritual teacher and best-selling author Eckhart Tolle agrees. He believes dogs are wiser than many humans because they are non-judgmental and more in touch with pure being. It follows, then, that if we really want our pets, of whatever species, to look smarter, we should encourage them to act more like dogs, not people. Case in point: A friend of mine trained her cat to fetch. The ability to retrieve a toy and drop it into my friend’s hand makes that cat look pretty smart.
With my own cat it’s strictly a battle of wills. I’d love it if she acted more like a dog – perhaps a Lhasa Apso, adorning my arm and establishing an unmistakable air of breeding, taste, and deep wisdom. The situation, I fear, is just the opposite. It’s more like I adorn her furry little arm — waiting on the prone, preening princess like an underpaid staff of one.
Of course, it’s not enough that I work like a dog for my cat. She wishes I were as smart as one, too. One time I bought her a catnip mouse, which she barely even sniffed, and then later she left me a pointed little message about it. On my living room floor, positioned next to the cotton rodent facsimile I’d purchased, she left a real dead mouse, as if to say, “Compare and contrast, Odie. I know the difference between the real deal and the decoy.” Kinda humiliating.
Dogs, of course, also have ways of making their feelings known. I was having a great time singing and playing guitar for a lively canine and human crowd at the Bay Woof launch party in Dolores Park on September 7. Dogs of every description tore about while I performed, and it gave me the same satisfaction a rock-and-roll band must feel when the entire audience gets up to dance. I was tempted to play that old Dylan chestnut, “If dogs run free, why not me.” Before long, though, a Retriever-Shepherd Mix paused directly in front of me as if listening intently to my song, then unceremoniously relieved himself. Everybody’s a critic.
Herb Canine is one of writer/musician Tad Toomay’s many alter egos. Get acquainted with the others at www.tadtoomay.com. His new CD, “Touch the Sky from Where You Stand,” is available at www.cdbaby.com.
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