Listening to the histrionics at some recent town hall meetings (bleetings?), you’d think the evil government wants to first take away your grandmother’s Medicare and then just put her to sleep outright. Well, fear not oldsters, someone still cares and is apparently ready to attend to your ailments at reasonable prices.
I was driving by a veterinary clinic on University Avenue in Berkeley the other day and noticed this sign over the entrance: “Seniors 15% off on Tuesdays.” A pet doctor may not be the specialist you’re used to, but these days (according to your friendly neighborhood wingnut) the bureaucrats are thinking what’s good for the Great Dane is good for the gaffer. It’s comforting to know that our seniors are assured of cheap palliatives for common problems like worms and fleas. If only vets could get rid of an insidiously virulent strain of distemper contracted from too much exposure to right-wing cable news.
Inmates at San Quentin, are running a program for at-risk dogs, training them to be more responsive to their handlers’ commands. Appropriately, the word the convicts use to release their charges from the “Stay” command is “Pardon.” So I’m thinking, what if all of us used commands tailor-made to our particular stations in life? Would talent agents who wanted their poodles to shake with Hollywood producers tell them to “Schmooze!” Would collection agents who wanted their retrievers to fetch shout, “Repo, Rover!” or stockbrokers who wanted their Collies to roll over command, “Re-invest.” And of course a preacher who wanted his pooch to speak would holler, “Testify!
Looking for a gift for your scat-illogical friends? Check out Watch Your Step Productions. Their motto: “When you care enough to give a crap!” They offer chew toys made to look like favorite food products, including Poop Tarts and Brown Poopon Dijon Musturd. Their calendars and greeting cards feature picturesque piles of dog droppings in a variety of scenic venues. Lovely. For some, poop is always good for a yuk. For others, it’s just “yuck!” My feeling is: when it comes to giving people their doo, don’t.
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