How do you see yourself in relation to your dog? Are you your dog’s master? Pack leader? Are you your dog’s “parent” or best friend? It may seem like a silly question, but how you perceive your relationship with your dog may well affect it.
Most people envision themselves as authoritative leaders for their dogs, and since we humans pay the bills, buy the food, and have bigger brains and opposable thumbs, I suppose there is nothing wrong with that line of thinking. We make the rules, supply the goods, and take care of our pets.
However, I am going to suggest that – as your dog’s “boss” – you perhaps occasionally loosen up and try to let Fido hold the leash, so to speak.
You see, your dog actually isn’t your offspring or underling, but rather a sentient being of another species with desires and preference of her own. Granted, training and conditioning will help your dog’s behavior better align with your expectations and also help keep her safe, but sometimes it’s okay, maybe even preferable, to let your dog have her way.
For example, nearly every day I see people forcing their dogs into situations where their body language and social cues show that they are truly uncomfortable. I see many dogs tied up outside coffee shops, for instance, left by themselves to deal with foot traffic, strollers, cyclists, and well-meaning strangers getting in their faces to say hello. For many dogs this is absolute torture. Can you imagine being tied to a post and having to politely interact with strangers walking up and stroking you?
Dogs will naturally control their proximity to other beings to show their comfort level, but a tied dog cannot control her personal space, nor can she get away if she’s uncomfortable. This is the type of situation that may cause dogs to growl, snap, or bite. How else are they supposed to let people know they would like to be left alone?
Similarly, people often force their dogs to say hello to people or other dogs when they are clearly showing signs of stress. Pressure combined with proximity is a recipe for disaster.
I don’t necessarily think that people who put their dogs into precarious positions such as the ones I mention above do so on purpose. I don’t believe these folks are heartless and cruel. It’s more likely that they don’t recognize their dog’s distress signals. And perhaps it has simply never occurred to them to give their dogs a voice or a choice.
When you want to pop into a café, it’s the perfect time to let your dog tell you whether she’s cool with waiting for you outside on the street and if she’d like to “say hello” to potential new friends and admirers. Keep at a safe distance with a loose leash and let your dog decide whether to approach new people or dogs. Watch how your dog approaches, if she does. Is her head or tail low? Is she enjoying the petting or merely tolerating it?
Keep these new interactions brief, 10 to 15 seconds tops, then give your dog a break by stepping back a few steps and calling her to you. Maybe even reward her for a job well done. (A polite greeting! No growling or snapping! Never take this for granted, even with the world’s friendliest dog.)
If your pup is comfortable she may try to go back for more pets. There is your answer. If she sticks with you and/or averts her gaze away from the newcomers, she’s telling you she’d rather not intereact. Please don’t force your agenda.
To help honor your dogs’ feelings and keep them safe and out of trouble, one important thing you can do is bone up on canine body language. Make sure you understand what they are trying to tell you in their native tongue so they don’t have to do the doggy equivalent of shouting to get the point across.
Learning to read and listen to your dog empowers her to play a role in communicating her preferences to you. It’s a fascinating and fun process and will enrich your relationship immensely.
Kelly Gorman Dunbar is Director of the Center for Applied Animal Behavior, where she recruits and trains the instructors for the Dunbar family business, SIRIUS® Puppy & Dog Training. She is the creator of the SIRIUS Sniffers scent-detection program. Kelly is also Founder and President of Open Paw and consults on various matters.
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